Humor

In recent months, the media have been awash with reports of men engaging in forceful entry which is also known as rape. Entry by force is a primordial pastime of morally depraved and sexually pervert men. That men have raped grown up women is no longer news. So also will the raping of teenagers not attract a front page attention. What is news now is the raping of babies and wait for it … animals. Animals? Yes, animals!

Let me cite two bizarre examples on the side of babies. Not too long ago, I read about a retired naval officer who was reported to have lapped his two-year-old daughter, tossing her up and down as if he was playing with her. Now, wait to develop goose pimples: the man was actually committing incest! It was not the first of such act between the man and that his daughter according to the newspaper account. And early last month, a 45-year-old man, Chibuike Onwu of Nkanu LGA in Enugu State kidnapped a kid girl and disappeared with her into an uncompleted building in the neighbourhood. When the mother of the girl, Jennifer John, who had gone out to buy some foodstuff to prepare lunch for her children, came back and discovered that her baby girl had vanished, she raised an alarm. The neighbours did not look far to discover the kidnapper as he held on to the baby’s pants. She too was aged two. He did not kidnap the baby for ransom. It is either that he kidnapped the girl to pleasure himself or to achieve some diabolical powers. Same goes for those who commit incest. Most of them play the devil’s script in their quest for power and wealth.

The other day, I was discussing with a friend about the rape phenomenon and we both agreed that convicted rapists should have their subjacent instrument of forceful entry sentenced to death. In other words, they should be castrated rather than sent to the prisons which are already overcrowded. A castrated man will be as harmless to minors, girls and women as a male baby in the womb.

Now, let us look at those who practice bestiality … the act of having sex with animals. This weird practice must be as old as creation. And I have my facts. You see, way back in Konta Kesi, a settlement near Kumasi in Ghana, there was a man named Sakodie. I was in company of two friends and together we were combing the neighbourhood for lizards. Let me quickly make the point clear that we were not hunting for lizards for food. No. We engaged in the practice using our catapults and the ultimate goal was to sharpen our marksmanship before venturing into the forest for a more serious hunting expedition.

A few metres away from our compound was a detached bathroom constructed with old corrugated iron sheets. We were attracted there by the SOS cry of a fowl. At first, we thought a hen was resisting being mated with by a cock, having been cornered at the bathroom. We were right in a way. What we saw was a “human” cock holding a fat hen to his waist line. Although we were naïve, we knew something was not right with what Sakodie was doing with the hefty hen because his trousers and pants were down to his knees as he pushed the hen back and forth. He saw us quite alright, but he could not drop the poor victim ostensibly because he was approaching orgasm. When he was done, he begged us not to go to town with what we had just seen. We gave him our word but I reneged because Sakodie was such a brute in the neighbourhood who deserved to be disgraced. In less than an hour after the discovery, I had broadcast the scoop to the whole community through radio without battery. Sakodie never forgave me until I left the town. Little wonder that I took to news reporting later in life.

Sometime in the 80s, a man was arrested at a location along Zaria road, Jos. His offence? He was having a carnal knowledge of a pig. The arrestors were attracted to the sex scene by the prolonged grunting of the massive animal. The matter ended in the court where the police charged him under the relevant section of the law that frowns at bestiality. Reacting to the incident in a humour column I was keeping in the Sunday Standard of Jos, I expressed the fear that the police might not be able to secure a conviction because they would need an interpreter for the pig. The case apparently died off as a result of the usual frequent adjournments.

Also not long ago in Ibadan, a man was caught having sex with a nanny goat. The owner of the she-goat, a Tiv, had discovered that the animal was no longer where it was tethered. He then heard a bleating sound from the bathroom. He jerked the door open and lo and behold … the Tiv nearly threw up at the sight of the abomination. He was said to have asked the goat rapist to pay a certain amount for the animal as bride price and then keep her as wife.

And sometime ago in faraway England, a man was caught pants down having sex with a dog. According to the Telegraph of London which reported the incident, the owner of the dog and a friend had gone awalking around the ancient Castle of King Henry VIII near Falmonth Bay in Cornwall. On sighting the two ladies, the man took off for whatever reason. The dog then went after him. The two ladies hurried in the direction that the man and the dog went. And by the time the duo caught up with them, the man was full in the act. Castle staff held him down while police were called. He was later escorted home and received a caution for outraging public decency. That was all?

I know an organization that calls itself The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SPCA). There is also another one whose mandate is to fight for animals’ rights. I once had an encounter with two members of SPCA several years ago while holidaying in Jos. My elder sister had sent me to the Jos Main Market to buy a fowl. I settled for the one with a long featherless neck. Holding it by the legs and swinging it as I marched back home with the head almost strafing the ground, I was startled by one of the SPCA folks:

“Hey you boy!” He hollered.

I froze in my tracks and responded with a long Ye-e-e-e-s, wondering whether they thought I was going to play Sakodie with the adie which is what a fowl is called in Yoruba.

The duo then gave me a long lecture on how to handle domestic birds. They were short of telling me to hold the fowl between my arm and my body. I burst into a prolonged guffaw and asked them why they should lose their sleep over a condemned bird that was heading for the gallows. In the light of this bestiality phenomenon, methinks the two bodies should come up with an off-shoot to be called The Society for the Prevention of Sexual Abuse Against Animals and Birds (SOPSAAAB). And come to think of it, is it not the pastime of this class of rapists that has been responsible for some animals giving birth to strange offsprings? A recent television report that a goat gave birth to a foetus that looked human in that same Ibadan lends credence to this suspicion.