Closing down CACU (Nigeria Study Centre)

Closing down CACU (Nigeria Study Centre)

By Clem Oluwole

The authorities of the Corruption and Allied Crimes University (CACU), Nigeria Study Centre, wish to announce the shutting down of the institution. A statement issued yesterday and signed by the registrar, Dr. Cecil Tafa Alams, said that the decision to shut down the Nigeria Study Centre, which was established in 2010, was a response to the defeat of the corruption-ridden government of President Goodluck Jonathan at the March 28 presidential polls.

The statement further said that the incoming government of Gen. Muhammadu Buhari would not provide a conducive environment for the university to thrive hence the decision to dismantle it. It did not state which country the centre would relocate to but regretted the inconveniences the development would cause its teeming student population pursuing different courses leading to the award of postgraduate and doctoral certificates.

The Nigeria Study Centre was relocated from China in 2010 because of the hostile environment which impeded the growth of the industry. In China, it is death penalty if found guilty of corruption or abuse of office. The lucrative industry cannot grow in such a murderous and evil environment.

The registrar recalled that CACU was an academic entity established as a Centre of Excellence for professional training and research in all aspects of corrupt practices and other related crimes in Nigeria. The study centre was government approved in the spirit of free enterprise economy which permitted it to exist parri passu with Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and Independent Corrupt Practices and Other Related Offences Commission (ICPC).

The Study Centre was fully equipped with world class facilities for acquisition of languid, deceptive and practical skills, techniques, methods and methodologies in all aspects of high profile corrupt practices hence the introduction of only postgraduate programmes… in Nigeria. It considered it a waste of space running certificate, diploma and degree programmes. Nigerians, the registrar noted, have gone past that level of kindergarten corrupt practices. The Study Centre focused on producing manpower for the fast growing corruption industry in Nigeria…. a nation where accountability has been a taboo. The centre instituted a deep and practical orientation by putting in place high tech facilities in laboratory training for all categories of students. Its cardinal objective was to produce the first female trillionaire thief in Nigeria without being caught let alone facing prosecution. Candidates seeking admission were also expected to undergo a rigorous test to ensure that only those with liver to put into practice the uncanny knowledge acquired during their study would be offered admission.

The Study Centre kicked off the 2010/2011 academic year with three key departments, namely: Department of Unethical Practices and Embezzlements (DUPE), Department of Self-enriching Without Sweating (DSWS) and Department of Stealing in Tandem with Ghosts (DSTWG).

Available programmes included the following:

1. M.Sc./PhD in Banking and Allied Act Fraud (BAAF). The students will be well schooled in improved Cecilian Methodology which includes the use of nannies, drivers, cooks, maigadis, etc, (as conduits) to amass billions in Naira, dollars, etc, undetected.

2. M.Sc./PhD in Manipulating Ghosts to Swindle Employers (MGSE) of billions of naira in salaries and wages.

3. M.Sc./PhD in Perverting Electoral Justice (PEJ). This programme is reserved for serving justices and senior advocates who have mortgaged their conscience to the vice chancellor and founder of CACU Worldwide, Professor Malfeaseance Lucifer.

4. M.Sc./PhD in Amassing Cash from Local Government Allocations (ACLGA). Only serving governors, deputy governors, commissioners in charge of local government and chieftaincy affairs, commissioners for finance and local government chairmen are eligible for this (lucrative) course.

5. PhD (only) in Absolute Tech Malfeasance (ATM). This programme is designed for ministers, principal officers of (all) legislative arms of government at all levels, chairmen and chairpersons of boards of parastatals, permanent secretaries, directors-general, accountants-general, directors of finance, internal and external auditors of MDAs, special advisers and others in this category that are suffering from GATS or Gigantean Acquisitive Tendency Syndrome.

The registrar advised all the affected students and those still wishing to pursue courses in various aspects of corruption in the university to be on the lookout for the location being sought for the fleeing centre. The statement expressed gratitude to the outgoing government of Nigeria for making the centre a howling success during the period of five years that it existed.

“It is a great pleasure doing business in Nigeria which was ranked as the largest economy in Africa last year despite the five-year existence of CACU”, the statement concluded.


Jonathan’s (mass) failures

Once upon a time, precisely in the year 2010, a PhD holder was admitted into Junior Secondary School (JSS). He showed promises but somewhere along the line, his academic prowess began to fail him. He lumbered through the first two years, scaled hurdles and inched his way to sit for JSSIII examinations. Through the instrumentality of examination malpractices, he was able to transit to the Senior Secondary School (SSS). Again, he fumbled and wobbled through, getting promoted to SSSIII and sitting for the Senior Secondary School Examinations (SSCE). The examinations took place on March 28, 2015, supervised by the Independent National Examinations Council (INEC), using modern technology akin to card readers that impeded exam malpractices. About four or so days after the examinations, the results were released by the INEC. The PhD holder failed woefully. He got Fs in core subjects, namely English Language, Government, Economics, Accounting, Physics, Biology, Chemistry and Geography.

The student in question (as if you do not already know) is the outgoing President Goodluck Jonathan whose six years as Nigeria’s leader (from JSSI to SSSIII) perfectly fitted into the analogy.