Now, baboon dey work…

Now, baboon dey work…  

By Clem Oluwole

In the animal kingdom, the monkey must be the most hardworking among the primates, while its first cousin, baboon, is passed as a goof-off. It was this perception that threw up the expression ‘monkey dey work; baboon dey chop’ commonly used among the humans to paint the picture of one that works so hard to bake the cake on the one hand and the lousy cake-eater on the other.

The monkey’s penchant for hard work is legendary. Way back in Konta Kesi, a settlement not too far away from Kumasi in Ghana, there was this monkey that taught locals the value of industry. As a kid resident in the community with my mum, one of my characteristic features was that my head was always full of lies. Huh, did I say lies when I meant lice? It was customary for kids in those days to nurture bushy hair, some strands could measure up to three inches on the stretch. Such lousy hair was a comfortable habitat for lice.

There was this brown monkey in the town reputed for its uncanny gift of catching lice. A tree in front of my mum’s provisions shop served as the monkey’s salon. Kids carrying lice infested heads would queue under the tree to have the parasites eliminated for a fee of banana. All we needed to do was to sit on one of the protruding roots of the tree, armed with the fruit. To the primate, it was ‘no banana in sight, no service’. The monkey would then rush down after the banana had been dangled from below. An exponent of method, the hardworking lice-catching primate was so efficient that it cultivated a large regiment of clients even from neighbouring villages. Standing on its legs, the monkey would rummage the heads of its patrons, pick the lice one by one and eat them up. At times, it would dig its teeth into the scalp to evict stubborn lice.

One afternoon, I engaged the monkey in its trade. A few minutes into the exercise, I fell asleep. No doubt, its expert touch had a soporific effect on me. I also had this funny habit of dozing off under the rhythm of the barber’s clippers. By the time I came around, the banana I was holding as a reward for the monkey business had vanished. My younger brother, who was observing the lice-catching assignment from the shop, told me that as soon as my head began to sway sideways, the monkey took it that I had had enough of the service. So, it wrestled the banana from my grip and retired to the tree top to enjoy itself.

I went for another banana and returned to the salon because my lousy head still itched terribly. After showing the monkey the banana fee, it rushed down and took its position. But I stealthily pocketed the banana so that the smart aleck would not fleece me of the fruit in case I dropped off again… which I did. My brother later told me that after the monkey was done with all the lice on my head, it fiddled with my body and located my manhood (or is it boyhood?) which it mistook for the banana and pulled it desperately. The cruel seizure jolted me from my slumber. Satisfied that the contract was well executed, I produced the banana from my zipped pocket and gave the monkey. Looking back now, I cannot but thank God that I did not lose my manhood to the monkey business.

Sometime ago, I went to a barber’s shop in Kubwa, one of the sprawling satellite towns in the Federal Capital Territory, Abuja, Nigeria, to clip off some excess luggage on my now lice-less head. I had hardly settled down for the barbing than I sighted an unusual spectacle through the barber’s mirror. What did I see? I saw a baboon dressed in Barca’s outfit with Lionel Messi printed on the back of the jersey. I asked the barber to give me a few minutes as I swung around on the chair. The baboon wore a belt around its waste with a chain held by a babooneer who manipulated the animal to entertain the onlookers for a fee. The primate, commonly regarded as a lousy loafer, thrilled the motley crowd that soon gathered with breathtaking acrobatic baboonery.



After several rounds of summersault and tumbling under the blistering sun of Kubwa, the babooneer brought out some groundnuts which he offered the perspiring primate as a reward for its baboonery acrobatics. The appreciative crowd responded with some cash, which the babooneer pocketed. The duo then moved to another location where the athletic baboon could work for more cash so that the babooneer go chop. After that encounter, my perception of baboon as a lazy bone changed. Methinks the entire human race owes the baboon race an unreserved apology. Given the Kubwa account I have just unfolded, the expression henceforth should no longer be monkey dey work; baboon dey chop… but baboon dey work; man dey wack.