Effects of Broken Marriages on Kids

Effects of Broken Marriages on Kids

By Nike Oluwole

Marriage is supposedly a lifetime affair. Men and women make marital vows to live together for better or for worse, till death do them part. And then, they set out to live together in hope of marital bliss. But along the line, events occur that make things go sour for some couples who made such marital vows. They are then forced to take the hard decision of going their separate ways. When children are involved in such unions, there is often the conflict of who takes custody of the kids. From that point of separation or divorce, the lives of those children are never the same again. Kids, who are used to having both mummy and daddy around, enjoying their love and care, now have to make do with seeing just one of their parents when the other one is not dead. This tends to affect the children negatively.

How Victims Suffer
The matter is even worse when the custodian parent gets involved with a new partner who becomes a step-parent to the children. The new partner may not love the children from his/her partner’s previous marriage, and when his/her own kids arrive from the new relationship, the new kids would be favoured above the others in the home. And some female children in custody of their mothers after their parents’ divorce have ended up getting raped by their step-fathers, the very men whom their mothers re-married!

A man who has custody of his children after breaking up with his first wife may want to please his new wife, so, even though he loves his kids from his previous marriage, he may not be man enough to assert his authority in the home. In this case, the children suffer in their own father’s house, especially if their step-mother cannot stand them. Sometimes, it may not be that the man is too weak to protect his kids from their step-mother’s aggression. If the man is the type with a busy work schedule, he would be outside the home most of the time, and that means he would not be there to witness his wife’s hostility to his kids. He might not even be aware that his wife maltreats his kids because many of such wicked women know how to pretend to be good in the presence of their husbands.

There are cases where the woman would warn her step-children never to reveal her maltreatment of them to their father, otherwise, she would punish them the more in his absence. So, for fear of being visited with more wickedness, they keep their sufferings to themselves and pretend that all is well. Even when the children are bold enough to report their ordeal in the hands of their step-mother to their father, it is still the woman’s word against theirs. Many men are likely to believe their wives and castigate the children in such situations. And their mothers might be enjoying themselves somewhere, believing that the children are okay in their father’s house, not knowing that they are going through hell.

Some parents even transfer the hatred they nurse against their ex-spouses to the children, whether in their custody or not. If a child resembles the particular parent that hurt the other deeply as a result of which the relationship packed up, the partner at the receiving end may tend to hate that child that reminds him or her of the offending partner. An innocent child will now be suffering for what he or she knows nothing about.

This last scenario seems to be the case with one Abubakar Buhari, a 14-year-old boy in Kadandani Village in Rimi Local Government Area of Katsina State, who confessed to the murder of his biological father some time ago. He told the police that he killed his father because he maltreated him. Abubakar further alleged that he had been a victim of barbarism from his father since he divorced his biological mother. He executed the dastardly act by lacing his father’s victuals with some poisonous substances, after tricking his step-mother into passing the meal to his father through him. He dressed the meal with poison in the process of taking it to his father!

Even though Abubakar, a victim of failed marriage, is a minor, the police said he would face prosecution for murder. From his account, the boy was obviously denied paternal love, attention and care. Most children who are unfortunate to fall victims of broken homes often suffer similar experiences. And if given the opportunity, not many would resist the temptation of killing parents who are maltreating them in order to put a stop to their suffering.

Many children who live in such hostile environments grow up with inferiority complex. They are often unsure of themselves and very timid. Such children hardly make a success out of their lives except by God’s intervention because their sense of self-worth has been eroded through constant harassments and scolding. Others express their anger over their parents’ break-up by becoming wayward, indulging in various social vices that can ruin their lives and destinies. And some children’s education gets disrupted as a result of their parents’ divorce.

What Women Can Do

While one cannot put the entire blame for failed marriages on women, it is a known fact that the success of any marriage depends largely on the woman. The character of a woman matters a lot in ensuring that her marriage remains intact. Many marriages have broken up due to the women’s lack of virtue, failure to submit to their husbands and their nagging disposition. And some women give up easily on their marriages when things are not working the way they envisaged, either financially or concerning the man’s character. Except in cases where the life of a woman is in jeopardy as in constant assault and battery by the man, or possibility of contracting HIV/AIDS and other Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) from a promiscuous husband, a woman should not be in a hurry to walk out of her marriage, especially when the marriage is blessed with kids.

We should not consider our own inconveniences alone without thinking of our children. Marriage is not a bed of roses. We should confront our challenges with prayers and faith in God who is able to change circumstances. And then with patience and humility, we can overcome our marital problems without rushing to file divorce suits or moving out of our matrimonial homes.

To women who are contemplating divorce or walking out of their marriages, I appeal to you to think of your children first. Consider what fate would befall them when you are gone, or even if you leave with them. Unless your life is at risk, please hang in there for the sake of your children. They will love and cherish you for enduring for their sake, just as they will hate you for leaving them to suffer or taking a decision that ruined their lives. Those children are the reason that we are mothers, so, our lives must revolve round them. We must be there for them at the time they need us most, if we must enjoy the fruits of our labour.

Bravo, FCT Minister

The Minister of the Federal Capital Territory (FCT), Senator Bala Mohammed recently issued a two-day ultimatum to prostitutes in Abuja to vacate the city or be arrested with their patrons. As a result of this ultimatum, over 120 prostitutes trooped to the FCT Secretariat to renounce the shameful profession and register for the vocational training proposed by the Minister.

WOMANHOOD salutes the courage of the Honourable Minister in his attempt to tackle the menace of prostitution and urges him to ensure full rehabilitation of the repentant prostitutes to effectively deal with the issues that led them into prostitution in the first place.

(First published in the WOMANHOOD column of SUMMIT Newspaper on May 19, 2010)