Avoiding The Route To Marital Disasters

Avoiding The Route To Marital Disasters

Marital problems occur when a man and his wife begin to disagree on issues. It could be because both partners are not compatible, and they did not realise it before they got married. In such cases, they would view issues differently, and each partner may want to insist on having his or her own way, leading to conflicts among them.

Another common cause of marital problems is rebellion on the part of the wife. When a woman has a stubborn spirit, refusing to obey her husband’s instructions, there cannot be peace in her home.

Some women nag their husbands over every little thing they do. They have a habit of nagging, and so, they complain over everything their spouses do that does not go down well with them. When their husbands arrive home later than usual, they begin to suspect that the men must be having extra-marital affairs, without giving them the benefit of the doubt. So, instead of welcoming her husband and showing concern about his whereabouts, such woman would begin to pester and insult the man as soon as he enters the house. Some would even refuse to open the door for the man, telling him to go back to wherever he is coming from. She hasn’t even given the man the chance to explain what kept him out so late, and the man would naturally resent that kind of lack of understanding and hostile attitude of his wife.

Sometimes, when things are hard, and the men are unable to provide the needs of their families, the women cannot endure much suffering, and they begin to complain and harass the men, comparing them with other privileged men who are taking good care of their wives. Even if the family was well-to-do and the man took care of his wife before things took a bad turn, some women easily forget the good that their men did for them before the family’s misfortune.

Infidelity is also a cause of marital problems. When a partner is not faithful to his or her spouse and the evidence is there to prove it, there are bound to be quarrels and fighting in the home, if the couple do not go their separate ways.

Undue interference of in-laws can also lead to problems in marriage. In cases where a man’s family members do not like his wife, problems arise whenever they come visiting. They find faults in everything the woman does, and try to instigate the man against his wife based on those supposed faults.

Barrenness is another issue that takes peace away from matrimonial homes. When a woman is having difficulty becoming pregnant and giving birth to kids after marriage, the husband and in-laws may be putting pressure on her and even treat her with disrespect sometimes. This gives rise to quarrels in the home. The man’s family may go to the extent of asking him to marry another wife who would bear him children or even attempt getting that second wife for him. This attitude of in-laws tends to strain the relationship between a man and his wife.

In all these instances, arguments ensue between the married couples, which may escalate to the level of assault and battery. Women are often good in trading words, raining insults upon people in a tense atmosphere. But the men are good in throwing punches. It is the nature of women to express their anger in words, while men express theirs in physical combat. So, when arguments ensue between a man and his wife, and the woman is busy hurling abusive words at the man, it gets to a point that the man would react and his natural response is to beat up the wife to exert his authority and shut her up.

The danger in assault and battery, however, is that aside from bodily injuries that may be inflicted on the woman, the fight may get out of hand to the extent of snuffing life out of the victim. There are recent reports in the media in which two men in Nigeria lost their tempers and beat their wives to death; another slaughtered his wife with a cutlass, while a Nigerian man based in the United States of America (USA) shot his wife dead before blowing his own brains off with the same gun.

One of the men, Alhaji Mohammed Ibiya from Agyaragu Koro in Nasarawa State, had an argument with his wife, Fatima, over the sale of some local snacks which Fatima engaged in, before the ugly incident. Mohammed was said to be opposed to his wife selling the local snacks called Dakuwa, prepared by her elder sister. On that fateful day, Mohammed allegedly returned from the farm, and on sighting the snacks displayed in front of their house, became angry, ordering his wife to remove them immediately. But Fatima refused to obey the order, and Mohammed descended on her, hitting her so hard that she slumped and died.

The Village Head of Agyaragu Koro, Mr. Haruna Ofo, who confirmed the incident to newsmen, recalled that he had personally intervened in quarrels between the couple, one of which led to their temporary separation as Fatima moved out of their home to stay with her parents.

The second incident was narrated to me by a friend who read it in a newspaper which I tried unsuccessfully to lay my hands on. It was said to have occurred in Ibadan recently when a man got infuriated that his wife served his elder brother victuals before him, and pounced on her, beating her to death.

A 27-year-old okada man (commercial motorcycle operator), Amodu Idris was also last week remanded in prison custody by a Chief Magistrate’s Court in Lokoja, Kogi State for slaughtering his wife, Adichetu with a cutlass! The incident occurred at their residence in Ogaji town of Ankpa LGA on August 8.

And then in faraway America, a Nigerian professor, Chukwudubem Okafor of Kutztown University in Pennsylvania, was said to have had problems with his 34-year-old Jamaican wife, Cheryl, leading to their separation. Devastated that his wife had left him few days earlier, 64-year-old Okafor arranged for her to meet him at a relative’s home on August 15 for a discussion on their possible reconciliation. Cheryl, oblivious of her estranged husband’s real intention, turned up at the appointed location, and before she could say ‘long time no see’, he pulled out a gun and shot her dead, then, turned the gun on himself and took his own life! The couple lived in Exeter Town in Berks County, Pennsylvania and had four kids.

It’s indeed unfortunate that marital relationships that are meant to be enjoyed could degenerate to the level of becoming so deadly. Two people who loved each other so dearly to have decided to spend the rest of their lives together, would suddenly turn around and hate each other to death, due to factors analysed above among others. This trend is becoming rampant these days, and it is disturbing that women are usually the victims of marital violence because they are the weaker sex.

That is why married women must be very careful. Many women have been seriously battered and injured in what started as squabbles with their spouses, while some others have been beaten to death or killed through some other means, because women do not realise or are not conscious of who they are: the weaker sex. A lot of women start what they cannot finish. They utter things that earn them assault and battery from their spouses. A man you know you cannot withstand in the event of a fight, why challenge him to a combat in the first place by saying things that will bring out the animal in him?

This is not to say that women should be afraid of their spouses and not speak their minds when the need arises. We can and should speak out when our spouses are hurting us, but we should know exactly when to stop talking. Make your point and keep quiet when you observe that he is not finding what you are saying funny. Even if you think your point has not sunk well into him, let him be, when you know that tempers are rising. Then look out for a more convenient time when he is in a good mood to raise the point again in a subtle and polite manner. He will listen. And there will be no quarrels or fights, let alone casualties. A woman must be able to read her husband to know when to talk and when not to. And she must avoid using abusive words or name calling (like ‘useless man’, ‘woman wrapper’, ‘night crawler’, ‘good-for-nothing fool’, ‘mad man’, ‘bastard’, etc.) on her spouse.

Besides, I’ve always believed that it takes two (or more) to fight. So, even if a man is spoiling for a fight, a woman can decide not to give him one, by ignoring his excesses and showing him love in return for his untoward behaviours. If a man points out a wrong that his wife did, and she apologises, there certainly can be no quarrel. But if she begins to argue and justify her actions when the man is visibly angry, she is asking for trouble.

That is aside from the issue of submission which the two main religions preach. Women are supposed to submit to their husbands and be in subjection to them. We are to obey their instructions for peace to reign in our homes. If Fatima had obeyed her husband when he ordered her to remove the snacks she displayed in front of their home, she would have been alive today. There is wisdom in obeying and respecting a man’s authority as the head of the family.

Furthermore, we must endeavour to study our husbands to know their likes and dislikes, as this will guide us in the way we relate to them. The men also must remember that women are the weaker sex and treat them as such. They should learn to overlook some actions of their wives, in order to give peace a chance in their homes. In addition to love, successful marital relationships involve sacrifices, patience and understanding on the part of both the man and the wife. Tolerance should be the watchword of couples who desire peace in their homes. Men should learn to exercise self-control even when their wives are provoking them to anger, and not just descend on them at the slightest provocation, because whoever beats his wife to death or kills her through some other means in a fit of anger will certainly not escape justice, unless he will emulate Prof. Okafor by killing himself after killing his wife, which in itself, is justice.

By Nike Oluwole.

(First published on September 2, 2010)