Again, a vote for sangocracy

Again, a vote for sangocracy

By Clem Oluwole

Radio Link is a popular phone-in programme aired by the Radio Nigeria every Saturday morning from 7 to 10 o’clock. I try as much as I could to tag along when time permits me. Not too long ago, Last Saturday, the topic under bashing was CORRUPTION. Discussants on the programme and a battalion of angry Nigerians called from all over the country to attack the monster. Some of them proffered solutions which included capital punishment. I agree with them in toto. For instance, it was the blood of some corrupt former heads of state of Ghana that Junior Jesus, as J. J. Rawlings was fondly referred to, used to flush the stubborn monster into the Atlantic Ocean when he seized power. Countries that have zero tolerance for the crime also include China where two mayors, equivalent of local government chairmen, were executed for fiddling with the public till in 2009.

In Accra, a story is told of a female cabinet minister who merely dreamt of making just $1m by the end of her tenure. When the incumbent president of Ghana, John Mahama, heard about the reverie, he acted fast to abort it by promptly firing the dreamer. In Nigeria, governors, ministers, permanent secretaries, directors, deputy directors, board chairmen and women at all levels dream of millions and even billions. Some state commissioners in choice ministries and local government chairmen/women are millionaire dreamers too.

This brings us to the frequently asked question (FAQ). Why are we so corrupt? Only recently, our amiable President, Dr. Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, during a media chat, told a stupefied nation that there was no corruption in Nigeria and that people “are just stealing and they call it corruption”. The president’s declaration amounts to giving corruption a less derogatory identity. To curb or eradicate corruption or stealing, depending on which one suits your fancy, I did a piece in August, 2011 in the early days of this paper under the above title. At that time, things had not gone this bad. Today, I serve you a rehash of the write-up. Enjoy it:

“Democracy as it is practised in this country since 1999 is a counterfeit of kleptocracy, meaning government by the thieving citizens. The title of this piece is informed by my fears for the future of this great nation and its hapless masses. Here is a country that is very rich in everything any nation can wish for. We have everything in abundance. Nigeria is second to none in the world in terms of vast arable and cultivatable space which is neglected in preference for oil.

“It is, however, unfortunate that all these resources have been in the custody of kleptocrats masquerading as democrats. When I see the way our common wealth is being pillaged by these privileged few, I weep for Nigeria. There exists in this country today a huge unemployment prison harbouring millions of able-bodied men and women. The day these urban guerillas will break jail, it is not only the kleptocrats and their ilk that they will target but every single Nigerian out there.

“It is customary to get public officers to hold the Holy Books while taking an oath of office in the belief that they will fear God or Allah while discharging their duties. But this has not been working and it will never work until thy kingdom come. This is simply because almost all the so-called believers in government have sold their souls to Satan. May I, therefore, suggest that we surrender governance to sangocrats for the simple reason that they fear their own god?

“Now, let me share this experience with you. I had gone to a woman cocoyam seller in Ikirun town, Osun state. Everyone in the neighbourhood knew I was a lover of the root crop. The woman told me she had run short of the commodity and that what she had left was barely enough for her family. From there I left for my usual evening football practice in company of a playmate. About three hours later, I returned home only to be confronted with an accusation of cocoyam theft by the same woman. She claimed that I sneaked back into her kitchen to help myself.

“A motley crowd had gathered in front of our house awaiting my arrival. And when they confronted me with the accusation, I told them to look elsewhere for the thief even as I tossed ‘guguru and epa’ into my mouth. They did not believe me. When I told them I had an alibi, which they misunderstood for Alibay, the sobriquet of one of my friends named Ali Balogun, they quickly summoned him. But Alibay told them that he was allergic to cocoyam because it caused his anus to itch when consumed.

“The drama was still unfolding when my guardian’s wife returned from the market and enquired what was amiss. She was angry that I was fingered for the theft. Nevertheless, she pulled me aside and asked for the truth. I confessed the truth: I stole no cocoyam. To shorten a long drama, she announced to the curious gathering that she would summon sango, the god of thunder, to fish out the thief along with the stolen item. And before you could spell s-a-n-g-o, a dark cloud began to gather even as we were in a dry season. Then a rumble was heard from afar. While the onlookers had their hearts in their mouths, I had ‘guguru and epa’ in my own mouth. They must have reasoned among themselves thus: ‘This bold, petty thief is having his last supper and he does not even know it.’

“Then suddenly, a young woman broke through the crowd, rendered her confession and begged for forgiveness. If the cocoyam owner had been swearing at the thief using the Bible and Quran, the thief would have been laughing inside her belly. But she feared sango, the ruthless god of retribution. Yes, nobody tries that kind of nonsense in a sangocratic dispensation. No one! God could have as well struck down the thief if called upon to do so. But He is known to reserve punishment for the Judgment Day.



“You and I know that we cannot have capital punishment for convicts of corruption entrenched in our criminal justice system because those who should see to it are feasting on the same table with Hermes, the god of theft. But if public office holders take their oath of office holding the lightning rod instead of the Holy Books, they would remember the cocoyam thief of Ikirun and desist from stealing what belongs to all of us.”