Making your woman happy

Making your woman happy

By Clem Oulwole

Making a woman happy is a (Herculean) task nature has imposed on men since primordial times. And men have been pursuing the noble assignment relentlessly and faithfully, beginning from Adam who committed high treason and sold out to Satan just to make Eve, his wife, happy. That disobedience, a mortal sin, cost mankind eternal happiness which the Garden of Eden symbolized.

Samson, the strongest mortal known to mankind, in the process of making his woman (Delilah) happy, lost his extra-ordinary strength, his dignity, his sight and eventually his life in the hands of the vengeful Philistines. So also was the wisest man in history, King Solomon, who fell out of favour with God in the course of making his incredible arsenal of women happy. In times past, Nigerian military officers staged coups and counter-coups to make their ambitious wives happy (as first ladies).

In the crime world, armed robbers, pen robbers, militants, hostage takers, kidnappers and the rest, are propelled into the risky adventures by the desire to make some women somewhere happy. Some men can even covenant their souls to Satan all in a bid to hit it big in life so that they could take their women to cloud nine. Some other men starve themselves, wear faded T-shirts and shoes that are terribly in need of re-alignment just to make their wives happy.

Some happy-go-lucky men acquire or rent mansions, buy choice cars and jeeps for their women to make them extremely happy. Others take their women to shopping spree abroad to gladden them. Even young boys who are still liabilities to their parents do get bitten by this happificaton bug. Endowed with incredible lying tongues that could make the devil himself turn darker with envy, they would promise anything under the sun including the gift of a hummer jeep or a train just to make their girl-friends happy.

Some few years ago, the immediate past president of France, Nicholas Sarkozy, nearly lost his life in the process of making his pretty woman happy. Simply referred to as Bruni, the former super-model turned pop star aged 41, insisted that the French leader,54, and standing just 5ft 5ins above the ground level, must look youthful and trendy. To achieve that feat, the diminutive president was introduced to a physical fitness expert named Julie Imperiati who advised him to shed nine pounds of flesh. And to happify Bruni, Sarkozy hit the road to lose some flesh. The result was a near disaster which landed him in the hospital where he had slumped mid-way into the jogging misadventure.

Come to think of it, it is only men who risk their lives to make their women happy? Sometime ago, I did a piece on corporate prostitution in banks. In this era of HIV/AIDS, these ladies put their lives and future at great risks to make their banks happy. In the face of the dreaded and immedicable disease, these bank made prostitutes, determined to keep their banks afloat in a competitive environment, have become more daring and aggressive in their account-grabbing campaign that the temperature between their laps is capable of melting the hearts of the stingiest accounts-holder.

A few days ago, a hawker accosted me as I was pulling out of a filling station opposite the Nigerian Security Printing and Minting Plc, Abuja, urging me to make my madam happy. I knew what he meant. So I ignored him. Hitting my break-pedal so that I could wear my seat belt, the man thought I changed my mind and you needed to see the speed with which he caught up with my car. Accosting me from the passenger side of the front seat, he poked into my face a pack the size of a condom package. On close observation, I saw a picture that seized my breath for some seconds. ‘What is this?!’ I asked in disgusts. He was shocked by my apparent naivety. Then his salesmanship came more alive, ’Oga, if you use this thing, eh, madam go dey happy so teeeh…’ Anyway, I am not permitted to give a graphic detail of the picture on the pack as well as the mood the duo on it threw up. To do so is to incur the wrath of the National Film and Video Censors Board for reviewing pornography.

I zoomed off, refusing to take a second look at the pack even as I heard the hawker of happiness assuring me it was loaded with a content whose potency will enable a man to go the extra mile severally in one night. The energizer the salesman introduced to me is classified among aphrodisiacs. And there are all kinds being marketed openly and everywhere in the country especially north of the Niger where polygamy is a way of life with men determining to go the extra mile to happify their women.

Not too long ago, I read a newspaper cccount of the boom in the patronage of herbal aphrodisiacs in Kano and it attracted my attention. These ‘ogbonge’ stimulants work in different ways. Some enhance performance only. Others can stimulate, fatten and enlarge the manhood to the extent that even a horse will neigh to high heavens out of jealousy. In that account, a man narrated how he was given a strong portion of aphrodisiacs by a herbalist. He became aroused but the erectility refused to bow even after his three wives had taken their turns. It remained at attention for four days running and had to spend N50, 000 to get his subjacent flag lowered after a week-long admission in a hospital. After that harrowing experience, the man swore off any form of stimulants. Experts say that the stimulants are a two-way traffic. They could also render a user impotent should something go awry.

Getting hooked to performance enhancing drugs just to make a woman happy could be a visa to a journey of no return. Here are two instances which, I believe, had a tinge of aphrodisiacs. The SUN newspaper of 24/3/2009 carried a story of a Nigerian-born American ex-marine who gave up the ghost in a Lagos hotel room during a sex war. The young Delta state indigene named Norris Cole even fought in the 1990 Operation Desert Storm when United States of America and its allies raided Iraq to deal with the Thief of Baghdad, named Sadam Hussein (now late) who invaded Kuwait. A US marine, retired or serving, should be an epitome of physical fitness. For a normal romp to turn into a game of death suggests to me that a stimulant was actually involved, thus stretching the Delta force beyond his elasticity.

Also on April 4, 2009, the same SUN reported the death of a 50-year-old woman by name Evelyn. Lady Evelyn was pounded to death in a hotel room in Yenegoa by one David Orderly, a speed boat driver with the Bayelsa state Government House. Hmmm… David and women! David’s pestle must have been overloaded with aphrodisiacs. As you can see, sex is a double-edged sword; it can be a game of happiness as well as a game of death. I will advise you out there to apply the Hausa philosophy of ‘dede ruwa, dede garri’ while dealing with sex matters. In other words, they should attempt to please their women in consonance with their current strength. Servicing yourselves with performance enhancing stimulants is tantamount to fixing a trailer engine in a pick-up van and expecting it to replace a trailer head to convey goods from Maiduguri to Lagos. It will be a disaster. I pity men who accumulate women, especially those whose wives are greedy in bed. The consequences can be very fatal. An African head of state did not live to tell his own side of the story following the wicked rumor surrounding his death. Allegedly hooked to Viagra, an expensive performance enhancing stimulant, he, like Norris Cole with a millitary background, was said to have kicked the bucket atop a foreign turf.



My parting shot is that no man should enlist to die trying to make any daughter of Eve or Hauwa grin from ear to ear for bedmatic happiness. No woman will play the stubborn fly by following any man to his early grave. She may mourn him for a while, after which she will search out her happiness under another man and get on with her life. Just look at the three-wife man whose erector refused to collapse for days. If he had died from that stimulation, his women would have migrated to other places in pursuit of happiness. The only alternative to these death-traps called aphrodisiacs, in my bedmatic view, is for men to keep themselves fit through regular exercises (not the Sarkozy way) while applying the dede ruwa, dede garri philosophy. Government, on its own part, should do something about the offensive pornographic pictures being vendored all over the place in the name of marketing happiness sources. Happiness rooted in sex should be a private matter. Therefore, nobody should arrogate to himself the right to tempt some of us to the sex-front (against our wish).